Post deployment from a Mom's perspective

I enjoyed her insight from a parents perspective.

In this post I want to address a syndrome I have found myself experiencing the last couple of months. I call it Post-Deployment Parent De-stressing or PDPD (and I guess is would be PDSD for spouses). We parents, spouses and family members are pretty resilient too, but it would be delusional to assume that we don't take on a very special kind of tension when our loved ones are deployed.

I considered myself to be pretty calm about the whole deployment for the most part. But like most of us, the tension slips out anyway -- like when I found myself surprised at the tears I experienced during the Memorial Day parade in our town last year. Hmmph! Who would have thought?

Now that my son has been back on US soil for two months, I notice some things. Unbeknownst to me, I clenched my teeth during my sleep during those twelve months. I didn't notice it then because my attention was elsewhere. But I do now. When I wake up in the morning with a stiffness in my jaw, I think, "Oh yeah, there it is." But what I notice most is that these sensations don't disappear the day our soldiers arrive home. I worked on this stress response for 12 months -- got it finely honed. So it's not going away right away. Which I think is really good noticing on my part, and as a parent. My son, like many returning military, has a year's worth of unwinding to do. He doesn't talk much about the bad parts, but occasionally little things slip out. He's not crazy about being redeployed, but if asked, he will serve. That tells me that maybe he's seen enough. But the tension is an underground stream, thinking already about the next deployment. For us too.PDPD is about giving yourself the space and the time to de-stress yourself. While it's true that our kids are more likely to die in an alcohol related car accident than in an attack in Iraq or Afghanistan, the life experiences they have are dramatically different.

New research on stress in the military from a group at University of Pennsylvania puts it better than anything I've read before: "Military service is inherently stressful. Servicemembers are expected to deal with significant and potentially traumatizing stressors, such as threats to individual safety, the necessity of inflicting harm on others, and exposure to injury, death and significant human suffering. Combat exposure has been linked to a range of negative health consequences, including posttraumatic stress disorder, depression, substance abuse, and physical health problems. Combat aside, deployment itself presents a host of additional stressors, such as difficult living conditions, boredom, and family separation. Current operations in Afghanistan and Iraq expose troops to unprecedented challenges. Multiple deployments exact a high toll, including lower morale, more mental health problems and more stress-related work problems. Moreover, counterinsurgency blurs distinctions between enemy combatants and civilians, leading to excruciating decisions about the use of lethal force based on ambiguous information. Finally, conservative rules of engagement (ROE) often place service-members in dangerous circumstances with limited options; for example, more than 60 percent of soldiers in Iraq reported experiencing a threatening situation in which the ROE prevented them from responding. "Wow, that's not another night on the town. These experiences are out of our reach, and deep down we sense that.

So parents and family members, let's go easy on ourselves. Let's spend some time noticing our own emotions, physical hot spots (tense shoulders, jaws, etc.) and meet the stress head on, hold it, and slowly let it go. And be patient. Our own resilience as family members, I strongly believe, helps bolster the resilience of our military loved ones. But being resilient doesn't mean hiding our own experiences or covering it up. The more we express where we are, what we need to increase our staying power, and learn from each other, the stronger our military families become.

Reunion Tips for Parents, Family and Friends

Here is some information I found on a website for soldiers coming home from deployment. The Army term is redeployment

Reunion Tips for Parents, Family, and Friends
As a parent, extended family member, or friend of an Service member, who is just coming home or is arriving soon, you are probably both excited and nervous about the homecoming. Even if you’ve been through a mobilization/ deployment before, this one has been different because of the increased stressors of the time. Regardless of your experience and Service member’s assignment, there will be a period of adjustment.

What to Expect When your Soldier Comes Home
You have certainly missed your Service member, as they have missed you. Reestablishing relationships will take time and communication. It’s normal for the returning Service member to “need space” upon their return. It’s normal to feel nervous and anxious about the homecoming. Plan for homecoming day. After homecoming, allow the returning Service member to schedule the next few days or weeks. Expect things to be different. Take time to understand how the Service member has changed. Be prepared and flexible. The Service member may have seen or experienced some things that were very upsetting. Some normal reactions to these abnormal situations are fear, nervousness, irritability, fatigue, sleep disturbances, startle reactions, moodiness, trouble concentrating, feelings of numbness, and frequent thoughts of the event. Talking with others who were there and/or counselors trained in crisis stress reactions is very important. The Service member may be facing a change in job assignment or a move. Readjustment and job transition cause stress. This may be especially true for demobilizing Guard and Reservists who are transitioning back into civilian life.

Making the Reunion Easier
Take time to get reacquainted. Communicate your love and concern. COMMUNICATE!! Tell each other how you feel—nervous, scared, happy, that you love and missed them. Listen to each other. The best way to get through the reacquaintance jitters and regain closeness is to talk and actively listen.
Reassure the Service member that they are needed, and that you are happy he/she has returned safely. Be calm and assertive, not defensive, when discussing events that have taken place during the Service member’s absence. The service member may need to hear that it wasn’t the same doing these things alone, that you’re glad he/she’s back, and that you’d like to discuss problems and criticisms calmly. Prepare children of the extended family for homecoming and involve them in reunion activities.

Take Time for Yourself to Make the Reunion for Everyone Concerned Easier: Make time to rest. Negotiate social events and activites. Limit your use of alcohol. Remember alcohol was restricted during the Service member’s deployment and tolerance is lowered. Go slowly in getting back into the swing of things. Depend on family and friends for support. You are part of the Service member’s support network.

Remember Go slowly - don't try to make up for lost time.
Accept that your Soldier may be different.
Take time to get reacquainted.
Reassure your loved ones.
Seek help if needed

6/8/10

hey its me how is everything going sounds like you had fun with the family i am doing good have a good day
love kole

6/7/10

ey its me
sounds like you are doing awsome i am as well oh yah i forgot to tell you that i reinlisted for another 4 years thanks for catching me up with what everyone is doing its great to know that every one is moving along with their lives and that everything is going well i did another mission today but nothing happened it was just really hot and i had about 50 pounds of gear on that i wish i coul get rid of their were a couple of comms issues today that i had to sort out but other then that not much happened i will be home in august so you dont have to worry about anything you have a good day
love you lots
kole

June 4, 2010

hey its me hows every thing doing i am ok will right back soon got to go hey its kole sorry i could not wright more earlyer i had to get the comms up how is every thing going i am not bad its really hot here and their is a lot to do their was a vbid here that is a bomb in a car it was not close to us but it was in our area of operation other then that it has been quite i whent in to the city of sinjar yesterday we did a patrol it was not fun way to hot to be walking in all that gear but it was better then sitting in the toc all day long the toc is the tactical operations center well have a good day love kole